when i woke up this morning,
i contemplated eating my breakfast.
i remember what i would eat back then and compared it to now,
glamorised reminiscing at its finest;
gawping at tiny portions and drooling at the possibility of visible bones.
then, i remembered
that i didn’t feel the heat
of a porridge bowl back them,
or the hold of my lover’s arms.
there may have been a gap between my thighs
like islands separated by earthquakes
but now they’ve conjoined by mental and physical bridges that i forced myself to form.
now i have to eat:
i don’t rely on a flood of liquid through a tube
rather the chewing and swelling in my own mouth;
sometimes, the taste of regret arises from my stomach like the rich scent of hospital-cooked bread and butter pudding
but my soul rises yet stronger.
i’m not afraid
to say i often miss my disorder.
not in a loving, grand way,
rather in the way one misses an ex:
you want them back at times,
but you know they’re no good for you.
yet, when they return,
knees plastered against the pavement of your mind
you torture yourself to go through their bullshit again.
i’m done with the bullshit.
i will never return to the calorie calculator buried within coffins in my body;
i will not feel my hair crumble into my palms like bricks of a forgotten building:
for i was not built to be forgotten.
and, as long as i fight,
i never fucking will be. - “breakfast” : a poem by me. ♥️
1307632 days ago
Jumping straight into fitness from Anorexia caused me to completely loose myself in compulsive exercise. I really could not see a problem at the time, even as I lost my period, my bone mass, and my life.
Soon I was forced to gain the weight in hospital, where all I was allowed to do was rest. As hard as it was at the time, it really made me STRONGER, and I wish I would have known better before, to be able to give myself that rest on my own. Now, getting back in to fitness I am not afraid to keep gaining more strength, weight, and health. 🌟
If you are underweight, please rest and recover for awhile before jumping into a workout schedule. You need to first have a healthy body with EXTRA energy for muscle repair. An unhealthy body is using all of its energy to repair its bones, organs (including your heart), nails, brain, hormones, etc.
Trying to build muscle while underweight can be extremely difficult, leading to loosing much more muscle as a result of too many calories expensed. ❌I can GUARANTEE that if your brain is not healthy in regards to needing this food for HEALTH, not just “gains”, you will NOT be successful in building EITHER.❌
Your health and clarity is most important, and you must know that you deserve to allow your body and mind to heal. Then you can focus on building strength, if that is what you truly enjoy.
Rebuild yourself first, then you will be successful in building more. 💛✨
Discount Code: “JPIETSCH10” link in bio. So happy to be an Ambassador for a company that supports Eating Disorder recovery, ending stigmas, and female empowerment.🥰 #juststrong#juststrongclothing
561315 days ago
NEW YOUTUBE VIDEO! WHAT I EAT IN A DAY - ANOREXIA RECOVERY - YOUR MIND IS POWERFUL! FEAR FOODS! LINK IS IN MY BIO!
Just a video of what I ate today! Also how you can quite literally do ANYTHING you want. You are in control, you can choose to fight.
I ate so many new foods, fear foods, foods I have wanted to try for a long time.
Every day is a great day!
Forever grateful for my mermaid in crime🧜🏻♀️ Happy Galentine’s to my fave road-trip/beach addicted/coffee shop lovin’/talented photographer gal 💕👯♀️
768342 days ago
I'm going to call this one the SUPERPOWER bowl because it's completely packed full of SUPERFOODS and plenty of POWER to start your day (am I a genius or what?) But seriously, this bad boy is jam packed full of soooo many nutrients. From protein, to antioxidants, to healthy fats, this smoothie has literally EVERYTHING you need. I'll give you the recipe now and you can thank me later 😌
~ 1 1/2 frozen bananas
~ 1 serve of frozen spinach
~ 1/2 cup frozen blueberries
~ some ice cubes
~ 20g of protein powder
~ 1 tbsp of peanut butter
~ 1 serve of probiotics (choc flavour) from @healthlab
~ 1 tsp of acai powder from @unicornsuperfoods
~ 1/2 cup almond/plant-based milk
~ protein granola
~ hemp seeds
Also, I've got some GOOD NEWS people!!! As you may already know (because I've been mentioning it quite a bit over the last couple of days/weeks) I haven't been feeling quite my best lately. I could go into much more detail, but if you've heard it once then you don't need to hear it again. Anyway, the news is that I'm feeling MUCH better and a lot more happy than I was before! Still not entirely better, but I'm getting there.
I've thought about it and there could be many reasons as to why this has happened.
1. I had a talk with my mother the other day and even though she's no counsellor, it was still nice just to talk to someone and get my feelings out.
2. I started eating more and my bloating immediately went down - the bloating was literally torture for me but as soon as I started to eat regularly again things instantly started to feel better. I have a feeling the bloating was also due mostly to stress.
3. The book that I'm reading at the moment (calm the **** down, I made a post about it a while ago) is really starting to help me and it's given me so many life-changing tips
In doing all of these things I've also noticed that my ed is becoming quieter and quieter. It really is so true that everything is connected - you cannot have a healthy body if you do not have a healthy mind. Also, to heal one part of the body you may need to heal other parts of the body first. Trust me, every little thing makes a difference ❤❤
@feelcbdca sent me one of their pens to try so I wanted to share my experience with you! I wanted to try their Calm pen because I'm always looking for ways to relieve my anxiety and tension. I'm super impressed with the packaging and the quality of the pen. It was easy to use and I actually enjoyed the experience of vaping plus the essential oils were really nice. I'm definitely going to keep the pen in my purse for quick micro dosing during the day. Use the coupon code ANXIOUSLYAWESOME for $10 off 💗
By the way this is not a paid advertisement I just like talking about products that I enjoy! Ask any questions below
I LOVE when you guys send me recipes to try that you think I’d love! Recently, I made the Smoky Tahini Jackfruit Sandwiches from @thecolorfulkitchen after someone sent me the link and WOW!
I already had all of the ingredients in my pantry and it took me just about 30 minutes start to finish! It was smoky, sweet, creamy, crunchy... a perfect lunch meal! And I had leftovers!
What recipe are you loving these days?! Send them my way!!
Zwischen all‘ diesen schwarzen Tagen, dunklen Zeiten, düsteren Gedanken und verdrängten Gefühlen gibt es diese Tage, an denen mich das Glück komplett überrollt, mir jeden Sinn raubt und mich unaufhörlich strahlen lallen, ich vor positiven Emotionen beinahe explodiere, mir die Dankbarkeit und Liebe aus jeder Pore sprießt und ich einfach nur noch laut schreien will, weil ich nicht mehr weißt wohin mit mir.
Wegen diesen Tagen und diesen Menschen bin ich so unendlich dankbar immer weitergekämpft zu haben, weitergelebt zu haben, wieder aufgestanden zu sein! Bin ich dankbar für diesen schweren Weg, den ich gehen musste, weil ich nicht liegen geblieben bin, bin ich dankbar für die Transformation meiner Persönlichkeit und meiner Ausstrahlung im vergangenen Jahr.
Und wegen diesen Tagen und genau diesen Menschen werde ich immer wieder die Kraft und den Mut finden weiterzumachen, auch wenn die Wege steinig werden, auch wenn die D*monen in meinem Kopf wiederkommen, auch wenn der Drang und die Erinnerungen irgendwann schmerzender werden.
Ich will nicht mehr aufgeben, untergehen, liegenbleiben, verstummen, wegstoßen.
Ich will ein Leben, mit genau diesen Menschen!
Just like y’all root for your girl, I root for y’all too. I root for your recovery. I root for your happiness. I root for your safety. I root for your overall well-being. There’s enough hate in the world. Let’s promote love instead. ♥️
1324an hour ago
Slow down, be present, and mindful.
Self-Love is not about being self-absorbed or selfish, it’s about so much more than that. It’s about getting in touch with your inner Self, well-being, and joy. There’s nothing bad or wrong with giving yourself a little attention!! When you practice self-love, you are growing, and pushing past limiting beliefs.
Do yourself a favor, take a deep breath and give yourself a hug!
Have you taken the Self-Love Quiz? Its in the Bio above!
182an hour ago
So this is a new and odd situation for me.
My fiancé had to go volunteer yesterday from 3pm-10pm because his daughter and ex wife thought it would be funny to keep him away from me (they are both beyond petty). I did well with it yesterday, better than I expected. Because normally I would have been SO PISSED OFF at them and started over thinking and over analyzing which would lead to drinking. Well, that didn’t happen. I tried to keep myself occupied, and I wasn’t even that upset.
Well today, he was signed up to volunteer again by them. From 10am to 7pm. You see what they are doing here? Just games. Petty childish games. They know this is the only day we have together. But whatever.
Well, this morning my fiancé was in such a bad mood (not towards me, about the situation). He was upset he has to do this again... all day. So he’s angry with them.
And I gotta say, that made me feel good, knowing how pissed he is.
Because usually I’m the one who gets bent out of shape and mad and then we get into an argument. Well not this time. I simply said “you’re the one that told them to sign you up and tell you when and where, that’s what happens when you give them power”. He wasn’t happy with that response. But it’s the truth.
He could have very easily picked his own time slots, that worked in accordance to his work schedule and our life schedule. Instead, he told them to sign him up.
I bet he won’t be doing that again.
But part of me feels guilty for feeling good about him being mad. Like I shouldn’t take happiness in his misfortune. But then again, I think to myself, he’s the one who put himself in that situation. (Trust me, if you knew the whole story of how they are, you’d understand my satisfaction in this). But the other thing is... I’m not even upset. Like at all. This is the first time I have been accepting of such a situation. And it feels so FREEING to not feel that resentment right now.
Maybe I feel like this because I know he’s mad at them... but whatever. Because I feel great today.
Am I in the wrong here?
146an hour ago
been trying these smoothies for breakfast and snack which aren’t too bad and i guess are something different🧚🏼♀️ im finding it easier in some ways doing things at home, as although i have pictures on the table in the dining room at the unit, it always helps actually having one of my boys with me around meal times✨but does anyone have any gud distraction ideas or things that could be helpful? guilt and overwhelming thoughts are absolutely destroying me :( i’m trying to keep myself safe and not use any destructive behaviours, but it’s so hard when you’re going against everything your head is screaming at you and you feel like you need to listen to it somehow in attempt to make some of it quieter or go away🤧 idk this is v hard and i hate hate hate this all but i can’t see things being different ever and ughhh :/
I know it hurts, I know you’re waiting for someone to save you.
I know you’re hoping the pain, thoughts and feelings will just go away.
And I’m sorry, it’s not that easy❤️
People can support you, they can keep nagging, show you love and hope you make the right choice, but you have to do the fighting💪
It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong, you don’t deserve this pain, but it’s up to you, it’s your own responsibility to make a change and to recover ✨
511an hour ago
Posing with my coffee like 😂
I’m having such a good good day today with my family, my guilt has been pretty much non existent all day!...and I’m definitely not complaining haha 💪🏻 eaten out of my heads rules, but that’s recovery! You have to break the rules in order to beat them, which eventually makes you stronger, and anorexia weaker 👊🏻💖 I hope things keep going up! Life is so much better when your not at war with yourself x
🇬🇧 Last night’s dinner😻 Grilled chicken breast with roast potatoes 🥔 Super crunchy and tasty 😋 I also taste done of those falafels and halved a cheesecake in a jar with my friend 🤤🍫
🇮🇹 Eccomi qui con la cena di ieri sera, fatta in uno dei miei ristoranti preferiti qui a Firenze 😻
@alehealthylife_ se non sbaglio avevi preso la stessa cosa!
Per me tagliata di pollo con patate arrosto🥔 Quanto le adoro, soprattutto quando sono croccanti e scrocchierelle🤤
Quanti amanti come me?
Ho anche preso una forchettta della pasta 🍝 pomodoro e burrata della mia amica e anche un suo falafel.
Per concludere ci siamo smezzate un cheesecake in barattolo con croccante di nocciola e scaglie di cioccolato 🍫😋 Molto ricco, ma nemmeno troppo dolce. E sapete che le cose estremamente dolci mi stuccano troppo. Si sentiva anche molto bene il sapore della ricotta che mi piace tantissimo!(E menomale che dovevo fare una giornata senza latticini😅)
Oggi si prospetta un pomeriggio di studio e stasera terza cena fuori della settimana 🙈 Direi che ho fatto una bella full immersion di pasti fuori eh?
Voi cosa fate oggi e stasera?
Connect with someone who will support you with compassion.
Practice loving yourself.
Your relationships will heal through the forgiveness you cultivate within you.
P.S.- Are you tired of holding yourself back with regrets & disappointments? Tap the link in my bio @thriveinrecoverywithamy to set up a complimentary call today. With mentorship in a supportive environment, you can connect to yourself and heal.
10011 hours ago
It’s a choice....without Negative there wouldn’t be positive, but once you realize that. It’s a choice, always is ❤️
3721 hours ago
Almost 3 weeks sober already. It’s hard to believe I’ve made it this far and haven’t caved. That I’ve had the will power, the determination, and the strength from my higher power, to be able to stay away from temptation.
18 Days. Wow.
Feeling pretty damn proud of myself 🙌🏼
Me: Sometimes I feel like a propeller-mom. I‘m just so afraid to give my inner child some space, I feel I have to control it all the time and can’t let it go off my hand.
Mrs. M.: But children need space to explore and learn, this is so important. And then sometimes from a safe distance you can throw an eye on them and make sure they are good.
Me: Thinking back, yes, I think sometimes you need to stumble and fall and collect that wounds on your knees.
Mrs. N.: Yes, Wounds! They are so important in developement.
⇢ Now think about how important wounds where to you in your childhood: you perhaps learned that you have to be carefully when climbing on trees, the higher you climb the more hurtful could it be if you‘d fall down, but you also knew that the sight from the treetop would be breath-taking, right? You collect your wounds and experience, and you can wear them proud if you like 💫
What are you doing tomorrow? I hope you’ll be joining me and @edinetwork from our Love Your Body Month Yoga Festival! I’ll be teaching a body positivity vinyasa flow, followed by a chakra workshop and a guided meditation. The whole shindig is from 2 - 5pm at @bodega.fitness.boutique and it’s FREE! DM me or hit up my website for more details. 💕